I've never been one for setting a New Year resolution. I've been more for setting them before the new year or quite some time after we've already rung it in. I think the only time I really did one that was really impactful, was when my goal was to not drink for a year straight. Even that one I started a few days before January 1st. I think I have to trick myself into doing something unique to make it doable because I have this deep resistance to not be in the common statistic of setting one and failing.
This year feels similar.
I don't feel inspired to set some big goal for myself. I already did that.
But I do want to call in certain things, however something about "making a New Year Resolution" just isn't quite right for me.
I am constantly setting intentions, letting them go, forgetting that I set them and then starting all over. Sometimes it works better than others. But that feels like a better practice for me.
It feels like I am being softer and more gentle on myself.
Coming into this new year, my intention is to work hard
AND
Be gentle on myself at the same time.
Can they coexist? Can I push myself out of my comfort zones, put myself out on the line and take huge risks all while being soft, slow, and sweet?
My intention is to show up 10000% for my clients and the project, giving the best possible service that you deserve, all while showing up for myself 10000% as well.
I know I can do both.
I know we, all, can do both.
But how?
To show up for ourselves completely and to show up for others without compromising the commitment to our most important relationship we are building is not easy and I don't think I was ever taught how to do that. It was always either all in for others and forget myself by being "so amazing and so selfless". Or it was all in for myself and being "selfish". There was no option for both.
To be honest, I want to be seen as selfless. My ego wants to be seen as a good person and that I care about others and so in turn, I often leave myself behind.
This new adventure is challenging me to be, do and practice both, actively.
Every god damn day.
Opening The Beauty Project Salon has given me a new found power and freedom that I could only ever dream of and have actively avoided for many years.
Maybe some of it was me running away from my deepest potential.
Maybe some of it was me not being ready for my deepest potential.
But I think it is mostly that everything shows up on time.
And when “If not now, when?” becomes a part of my life, I know I have to go for it.
I swing from being absolutely terrified from this monumental undertaking to being absolutely inspired, moved and bliss-ed out from this decision.
I keep thinking about the one and only time I went skydiving.
Signing the paperwork was signing my life away. I was signing up for this massive commitment of falling out of a perfectly good airplane and no one was at fault and liable but myself. Talk about responsibility.
Getting strapped onto a stranger, was the ultimate test of trust.
But you know what the hardest part was?
Getting my legs over the edge.
I could not physically move my legs on their own.
I had to pick them up individually with my arms.
It was a moment of paralysis.
Once my legs were over the edge, the instructor reminded me "to be a banana."
This is a funny memory for me because an arched back, arms crossed and head leaning back was the shape we needed to be in to begin our fall. It was the perfect structural visual that I needed in that moment.
I do not remember what happened next. I blacked out. I do not know if we did a flip, or if we just jumped. I don't remember leaving the plane's safe floor.
The next thing I remember is the free fall. The exhilarating, terrifying, noisy, and wild free fall. Though it was probably only 60 seconds, if that, long, it felt like it was never going to end. How long did I have to be a banana before I could enjoy myself?
Then the chute was pulled and it was the most beautiful moment. A hush fell over the crowd inside my head. It was peaceful and stunning. The view over the Monterey Bay was unreal. I saw whales, boats, birds, an endless ocean and trees for miles and miles. The sky was the perfect rich and powder blue. And one or two of those fluffy cotton candy clouds was floating around having a grand ole playful time.
I couldn't believe it. I was on top of the world, experiencing it all and none of it had to do with me. I could just "sit back" and enjoy. All of it was happening in front of my eyes and I didn't have to do a thing.
But of course, anything that goes up, must come down. All things must come to an end. I couldn't stay floating sitting back enjoying this creation for the rest of time.
I had to come back down to earth and participate again.
For some reason I thought the best part of the experience was over, but it wasn't.
The best part hadn't even started yet.
The next position that I had to go into was an "L" shape. I loved the simple instructions as I was overly stimulated.
I transformed from the most beautiful banana you'd ever seen to an "L" we were coming in HOT to the ground. I had no idea what the heck my trusted instructor was doing back there, but I was ready for landing. As we came into the landing field we were flying through a field of long grass and flowers. I became the little girl in Matilda when The Trunchbull throws her out the window, over the iron fence through the flowers.
It was glorious.
Though I never need to go sky diving again, I can take many lessons from this memory.
Signing up my business license, my salon lease and all the other hoops to create a business felt like I was signing my life away. The only one that was going to be accountable and responsible if this goes terribly wrong is me.
Now that I am on the other side of applying for a business license, waiting for supplies in the mail, creating the pricing structure that I believe in, using the supplies that I think are the best for the planet and all of the practical salon business building is out of the way,I can't help but think that I did it. I actually did it... I signed myself to jump out of the perfectly safe airplane of being an employee of someone else dream.
And now what..?
Well, the paralysis came back.
What have I signed myself up for? The pep talk of trust as I put one leg after another over the edge.
Just be a banana, you've got this. Somehow, someway this will work out.
There is a field of flowers waiting on the other side.
There is a peaceful bliss of taking it all in on the horizon.
But not before the free fall.
I am in the free fall now. I played my cards, poker face or not, I'm out there and there is no going back. And in the free fall are growing pains, joys, uncomfortability and completely necessary for the experience to be taken serious as a whole.
Beauty is taking risks. Beauty is fullness. Beauty is being soft and being still.
I am beautiful because I take big, bold risks, I want to live life to the fullest. And all at the same time, I am beautiful because I am soft and still with myself.
Happy New Year!
May we take risks, jump out of perfectly good airplanes to get to the field of flowers waiting for us but not before taking in our terri"flying" free falls and our peaceful bliss when that chute is pulled.
May we do our best to say yes when our opportunities knock.
With love and Gratitude,
Jillian The Beauty Project